More helpdesk howlers

Computer Viruses
I was working for a French electronics company in Telford when my boss took a call.
'You know these computer viruses? Can humans catch them?'
This came from a department whose manager left the office Christmas party and forgot his wife. He only returned to the party because he thought he had forgotten his hat.
Name withheld

More virus confusion...
At a company I once worked at, and at the time of the Melissa virus outbreak, the head of IT made the unilateral decision to stop the company from receiving incoming emails until a suitable anti-virus measure was available. Not only that, he sent a broadcast email alerting the company to the fact using typically non-layman's terms.

Hearing that the company's email gateway had been shut down due to the virus outbreak, a suitably distressed member of the marketing department rang the helpdesk, stating that their machine at home was a Gateway too and should they send it back to the manufacturers to be fixed?
Chris Glaister

Computer condoms
Working for an Agricultural Importers a secretary ordered a transparent rubber dust cover for her keyboard. She thought it would stop her catching a computer virus.
Nice theory, just a little flawed.
Kevin Adkins

The internet on a CD
A few years back when Jo Public was just waking up to the internet I was working on a support desk. I was explaining to one user why he had to make a connection to the internet before he could download anything. His reply was 'I am paying for phone time when connected, can't you just send me the Internet on CD?' What can you say?
Matthew Johnston

...And finally
Thanks to Grant Robertson for sharing this one with us. We reckon it's an urban myth. Unless you know otherwise...

This didn't happen to me, but it's worth repeating anyway:

A person phoned the helpdesk of a PC retailer to find out why their PC was apparently dead.
Caller:'My PC is dead'
Helpdesk: 'OK Sir, can you describe the symptoms in slightly more detail?'
Caller: 'Well, there is no activity, the screen is blank'
Helpdesk: 'Are there any lights illuminated on the computer?'
Caller: 'No'
Helpdesk: '...and you have turned it on Sir?'
Caller: 'Yes, I've pressed the button in'
Helpdesk: 'Hmm, can you just confirm the computer is plugged in please Sir'
Caller: 'I can't tell'
Helpdesk: 'How do you mean, you can't tell?'
Caller:' Well, the wiring is under the desk and it's dark'
Helpdesk: 'Could you turn the light on perhaps?'
Caller:' No, there's a powercut'
Helpdesk: 'I think I see the problem Sir, do you have the original packaging that the PC came in?'
Caller:' Yes'
Helpdesk: 'Right, what you need to do is pop everything back into the box, seal it up and take the box back to the store where you bought it'
Caller: 'Oh alright then, what should I tell them at the store?'
Helpdesk: 'Just tell them that you're too stupid to own a computer and that you'd like your money back!'